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technicolour love by ~deepdarkdesires:icondeepdarkdesires:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Romantic > Teen or Young Romance > Open


with pens and swords and pennies to spare,
I walk into this world of tears.

oh yes, these kisses we exchanged beneath the mistletoe,
these breaths we take being scarce but fulfilling.

promises we’ll only make to each other,
in those dark hours, between the silken sheets.

I turn to watch the sun go down,
you hold me closer to yourself.

I wish this dream won’t end,
with pens and swords and pennies to spare.
©2006-2009 ~deepdarkdesires
Details
Submitted: December 17, 2006
File Size: 592 bytes
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Resolution: 0×0
Comments: 11
Favourites & Collections: 1 [who?]

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Total: 73
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Author's Comments

yesterday, I was just sitting waiting for a friend to come online, when I typed out a few lines. I love the way they turned out. they sound good, say what I mean and seem grammatically okay.
anyhow, this is how i feel about you and me and us....so, to you?
[x]

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Comments


~evicted:iconevicted: Dec 17, 2006, 9:40:28 PM
It's off rhythm firstly and that sort of thing hinders a flow and makes the whole thing seem...disconnected. And the apparent narcissism of the description sort of steals the show.
"you hit upon genius when you least expect to and then cannot recover the greatness"?

--
Alias ~tusharm
~deepdarkdesires:icondeepdarkdesires: Dec 17, 2006, 10:18:07 PM
hehe..
i love this piece. i don't think i have ever come up with something better. so, what narcissism? we all have that one particular piece that we love the best, don't we? i am hoping i am allowed the liberty to have one, too.
anyways, glad to see you comment.
and thanks for the opinion!
take care..hope all is good...

--
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~dark princess~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~Zaphod-Beeblebrox58:iconZaphod-Beeblebrox58: Dec 18, 2006, 9:27:28 AM
love this line: with pens and swords and pennies to spare,

it brings a lot of images to mind and forces you to think and (best of all) they'll mean something different every time.

where is the narcissim?

--
De temps en temps,
Le Bon Dieu rit a me voir
~deepdarkdesires:icondeepdarkdesires: Dec 18, 2006, 11:21:02 PM
i removed the offending line from my author's comment. it is the one he has typed out in his comment!:D
i love the first line too!!:D
take care and thanks for reading!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~dark princess~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~merzhin:iconmerzhin: Dec 21, 2006, 2:51:43 PM
technical comments : little flow loss, word choice here and there. otherwise nice imagery, good ideas, very nice style :)

non technical comments : :bounce:

--
Haven't you sometimes wished you could just die?
Well, don't worry, I wish you would die too...
~deepdarkdesires:icondeepdarkdesires: Dec 22, 2006, 1:02:31 AM
ah! thank you

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~dark princess~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~Dezy:iconDezy: Dec 28, 2006, 3:08:11 AM
the fourth stanza would fit right into an alter bridge song. imagery is developed but the flow is disrupted from the the second stanza onwards. if the word "between" were substituted with "under", you could probably make it a wee bit more sensuous. :D

--
Human Relationships are like Pickles...Some of them Mature and Some just go Sour.
~SeenBetterDays:iconSeenBetterDays: Dec 30, 2006, 4:55:47 AM
Ok, the flow is off. The last line is a bit confusing, in context, but I'm sleepless. Otherwise...

I think it's beautiful honestly, in it's simplicity. The second and third stanzas are what I love the most, what attracts me to it. I'm glad you posted this, going to favorite it. (BTW I do like the first and last lines alot, just not sure how they fit)

--
Fighting for peace is like F'ing for virginity.
~deepdarkdesires:icondeepdarkdesires: Jan 8, 2007, 2:54:49 AM
thank you sooo much for the fave. the last and first line fit in, but in a very odd way. the first line is what i started off with and the just followed. thank you for liking it!:D
take care!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~dark princess~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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