Suddenly, the fatigue returned within the tiny veins running through the length of my arm. None of the old memories played as experience and the very realization of not knowing chastened my heart. The dreamy and velvety curtains of desire seemed to steam away with your deception. I closed the oak door behind me only to be mocked by the blinding emptiness left behind by the footsteps now stone cold. Hopelessly, turning on the coffee maker, I realized that the machine wouldn’t fix itself. Throwing it against the wall didn’t really bring you back. Big words and painful accusations pulled us apart and drew the blinds on our life. I pen a line in the dust that had settled on the kitchen counter. The house looked the same, but my sunken eyes and chapped lips told stories of its own. The crack down the dining room wall seemed to deepen as I stared at it with a steadfast gaze. My eyes searched for the broken ashtray, not finding it, I flicked the ash into the empty champagne bottle. Everything seemed broken and empty around me. My heart felt the same.
Forever stuck in a memory, I hear your voice across the large bedroom. Its soothing sound made things feel less alien. How long will your scent stay with me? As long as the sun shines into your large brown eyes, you’d once said solemnly. It felt the same, just as yesterday. And slowly yesterday entwined into the present day, feeling dry and meaningless. Tiny droplets hung onto the window pane reminding me of days of chai and pakodas. The incessant ringing of the telephone forced irritation to flow through my blood. My throbbing headache seemed to take over my entire being. I wished hard to the mum Gods that the call would hold my mother on the other end. Any other voice would just make the hard day harder still.
It didn’t seem to matter who was on the other end of the phone; I just stood above the useless machine squinting at the fading color. I strode aimlessly to the other end of the room. I wanted the entire house to fall apart around me. I wanted the world to stop twirling on its little axis. I wanted to drink away all the misery. I wanted to feel the poison run down my throat. Destructive thoughts struck through my mind and ripped my torn heart. It feels like I forgot your love, because I can’t feel its warmth inside me anymore. I feel cold and alone. Left vulnerable, yet again. Tiny fragments of your existence haunt me as I fall asleep only to open my eyes to painful sunshine and an empty pillow. The silken white sheets no longer feel dipped in crimson regret. Stained by bleak desire, they fall motionless around my frozen feet.
If I could;
I would;
Close my eyes and fall into the black hole of raw love.