i don't know, maybe, i just feel we should've never met.. there would be no parting then. rocking, on my rocking chair, i resembled an overworked pendulam. my direction of motion was decided and the choice wasn't really left to me. reaching out for my cup of tea, now cold, i felt dry remorse wash over me. my soul seemed drenched in it. at that point, i didn't really know who i was or where i was headed. the tea flowing down my throat seemed bitter. not comfortingly bitter like coffee but more like something beautiful gone rotten. i spat it out in utter disgust. everyday, people ask me to forget the memories as if it was like spitting out the tea. as if forgetting moments of the past is like spitting out something bitter that you accidently placed in your mouth.
its just as well, i am not up for an argument.
sometimes, when i have a pencil placed in between my teeth and an unfinished drawing under the tips of my fingers, i wonder if it would've been better if you had never walked in at all. i mean, suddenly, here you are in flesh and blood telling me how to live my life, or whatever that is left of it. then again, if you hadn't walked in, i wouldn't be sitting there with a pencil in my hand. or was that destiny? its all so confusing that i am left wondering as usual. i stand on the tips of my toes looking out the balcony, precariously placing the edges of my palms on the railing. the dust makes my skin slip, but, i endure on any way. does that make me stronger than i seem or is it a mere misconception? these words that come out of my fingers seem like the lyrics of your songs and the music my nails make with the keys of the board are like the beats of your songs. suddenly, one person merges into another and the two of you become one. and now, i am more confused than ever. its like i have mirrors on either side of me. and i can see me in both of you.
the rocking chair loses its balance and suddenly, i feel myself flying off the seat. i steady myself only to realise that neither of you are here and i am left alone, yet again. its like the many ends of a rope that i am desperately tying together. it is seemingly unfair, but, i've learnt from life that all is unfair. because if it was fair, then, it would be a movie. (one of those old bollywood sagas; the newer movies seem to be closer to reality) and if it were a movie it would get over in a few hours. so, it is not. neither a movie nor a few hours short. it is life. long, boring, difficult and other such things. its breathing without you. and living with you.